MORE FUN

2021

As the holiday season of 1938 came to Chicago, Bob May wasn’t feeling much comfort or joy. A 34-year-old ad writer for Montgomery Ward, May was exhausted and nearly broke. His wife, Evelyn, was bedridden, on the losing end of a two-year battle with cancer. This left Bob to look after their four-year old-daughter, Barbara.

One night, Barbara asked her father, “Why isn’t my mommy like everybody else’s mommy?” As he struggled to answer his daughter’s question, Bob remembered the pain of his own childhood. A small, sickly boy, he was constantly picked on and called names. But he wanted to give his daughter hope, and show her that being different was nothing to be ashamed of. More than that, he wanted her to know that he loved her and would always take care of her. So he began to spin a tale about a reindeer with a bright red nose who found a special place on Santa’s team. Barbara loved the story so much that she made her father tell it every night before bedtime. As he did, it grew more elaborate. Because he couldn’t afford to buy his daughter a gift for Christmas, Bob decided to turn the story into a homemade picture book.

In early December, Bob’s wife died. Though he was heartbroken, he kept working on the book for his daughter. A few days before Christmas, he reluctantly attended a company party at Montgomery Ward. His co-workers encouraged him to share the story he’d written. After he read it, there was a standing ovation. Everyone wanted copies of their own. Montgomery Ward bought the rights to the book from their debt-ridden employee. Over the next six years, at Christmas, they gave away six million copies of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer to shoppers. Every major publishing house in the country was making offers to obtain the book. In an incredible display of good will, the head of the department store returned all rights to Bob May. Four years later, Rudolph had made him into a millionaire.

Now remarried with a growing family, May felt blessed by his good fortune. But there was more to come. His brother-in-law, a successful songwriter named Johnny Marks, set the uplifting story to music. The song was pitched to artists from Bing Crosby on down. They all passed. Finally, Marks approached Gene Autry. The cowboy star had scored a holiday hit with “Here Comes Santa Claus” a few years before. Like the others, Autry wasn’t impressed with the song about the misfit reindeer. Marks begged him to give it a second listen. Autry played it for his wife, Ina. She was so touched by the line “They wouldn’t let poor Rudolph play in any reindeer games” that she insisted her husband record the tune.

Within a few years, it had become the second best-selling Christmas song ever, right behind “White Christmas.” Since then, Rudolph has come to life in TV specials, cartoons, movies, toys, games, coloring books, greeting cards and even a Ringling Bros. circus act. The little red-nosed reindeer dreamed up by Bob May and immortalized in song by Johnny Marks has come to symbolize Christmas as much as Santa Claus, evergreen trees and presents. As the last line of the song says, “He’ll go down in history.”

2020
OLD PEOPLE  💵

The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500".
The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $2,000, please use the ATM.”
The old lady wanted to know why ...
The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line behind you.”
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, “My apologies Ma'am, you have $35 million in your account and our bank doesn't have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.
The teller told her any amount up to $250,000.
"Well, please let me have $250,000 now", she requested. The teller did so quickly, then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her elderly client.
The old lady put $500 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $249,500 back into her account.

💐
Don't be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skills.

WORD DEFINITIONS

1. ARBITRAITOR - A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s.

2. BERNADETTE - The act of torching a mortgage.

3. BURGLARIZE - What a crook sees through.

4. AVOIDABLE - What a bullfighter tries to do.

5. EYEDROPPER - Clumsy ophthalmologist.

6. CONTROL - A short, ugly inmate.

7. COUNTERFEITER - Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

8. ECLIPSE - What an English barber does for a living.

9. LEFT BANK - What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.

10. HEROES - What a man in a boat does.

11. PARASITES - What you see from the Eiffel Tower.

12. PARADOX - Two physicians.

13. PHARMACIST - A helper on a farm.

14. POLARIZE - What penguins see through.

15. PRIMATE - Remove your spouse from in front of TV.

16. RELIEF - What trees do in the spring.

17. RUBBERNECK - What you do to relax your wife.

18. SELFISH - What the owner of a seafood store does.

19. SUDAFED - Brought litigation against a government official.

20. PARADIGMS - Twenty cents.

1. So let me get this straight, there’s no cure for a virus that can be killed by sanitizer and hand soap?
2. Is it too early to put up the Christmas tree yet? I have run out of things to do.
3. When this virus thing is over with, I still want some of you to stay away from me.
4. If these last months have taught us anything, it’s that stupidity travels faster than any virus on the planet, particularly among politicians and bureaucrats.
5. Just wait a second – so what you're telling me is that my chance of surviving all this is directly linked to the common sense of others? You’re kidding, right?
6. People are scared of getting fined or arrested for congregating in crowds, as if catching a deadly disease and dying a horrible death wasn’t enough of a deterrent.
7. If you believe all this will end and we will get back to normal just because we reopen everything, raise your hand. Now slap yourself with it.
8. Another Saturday night in the house and I just realized the trash goes out more than me.
9. Whoever decided a liquor store is more essential than a hair salon is obviously a bald-headed alcoholic.
10. Remember when you were little and all your underwear had the days of the week on them. Those would be helpful right now.
11. The spread of Covid-19 is based on two factors: 1. How dense the population is and 2. How dense the population is.
12. Remember all those times when you wished the weekend would last forever? Well, wish granted. Happy now?
13. It may take a village to raise a child, but I swear it’s going to take a whole vineyard to home school one.
14. Did a big load of pajamas so I would have enough clean work clothes for this week.

LAWS OF LIFE

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
   2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
2. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
   4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.
3. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now
4. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
5. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
6. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!
7. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
8. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
9. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
10. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
11. Law of Physical Surfaces -The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
12. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
    15. Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
    16. Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!
13. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!
    18. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

If you don't forward this to your friends, your belly button will unscrew and your butt will fall off.
Really... It's true. I read it on the Internet!

NOW THAT I AM OLDER

1. My goal for 2020 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.
2. Had a salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce, and cheese. FINE, it was a pizza.... OK, I ate a pizza! Are you happy now?
3. How to prepare Tofu:
   a. Throw it in the trash
   b. Grill some meat, chicken or fish
4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
8. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.
9. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
10. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

HOME SCHOOLING

Subject: Home Schooling

Most of generation of 60+ were HOME SCHOOLED in many ways.

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL .

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next
week!"

4. My father taught me LOGIC .

" Because I said so, that's why ."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My father taught me IRONY .

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .

"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY .

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .

"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY .

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have
wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .

"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .

"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"

18 . My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that
way."

19. My mother taught me ESP .

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My father taught me HUMOR .

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS .

"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM .

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!


QUARANTINE DIARY

My Self-Isolation Quarantine Diary :

Day 1 – I Can Do This!! Got enough food and wine to last a month!

Day 2 – Opening my 8th bottle of Wine. I fear wine supplies might not last!

Day 3 – Strawberries: Some have 210 seeds, some have 235 seeds. Who Knew??

Day 4 – 8:00pm. Removed my Day Pajamas and put on my Night Pajamas.

Day 5 – Today, I tried to make Hand Sanitizer. It came out as Jello Shots!!

Day 6 – I get to take the Garbage out. I’m So excited, I can’t decide what to wear.

Day 7 – Laughing way too much at my own jokes!!

Day 8 – Went to a new restaurant called “The Kitchen”. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have No clue how this place is still in business!

Day 9 – I put liquor bottles in every room. Tonight, I’m getting all dressed up and going Bar hopping 😂

Day 10 – Struck up a conversation with a Spider today. Seems nice. He’s a Web Designer.✨

Day 11 – Isolation is hard. I swear my fridge just said, “What the hell do you want now?!”🤣

Day 12 – I realized why dogs get so excited about something moving outside, going for walks or car rides. I think I just barked at a squirrel🙃

Day 13 – If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.💃

Day 14 – Watched the birds fight over a worm. The Cardinals lead the Blue Jays 3–1 !!!🌟

Day 15 – Anybody else feel like they’ve cooked dinner about 395 times this month?!?!



MERGERS

How businesses will merge in the post virus recovery.

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R.
Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and
become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will
   merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell
   Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will
   become: Knott NOW!

And finally...

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
   TittyTittyBangBang

MY FAVORITE THINGS

Actress/vocalist Julie Andrews was born October 1, 1935. To commemorate her 79th birthday she made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used:
(Sing It!) - If you sing it, its especially hysterical!!!

Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd
that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. Please
share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humor with others who
would appreciate it.)